Lottie Loves by Samie Sands

“Will you marry me?”

Four words I’ve waited my whole life to hear. Four words I was sure would change my life forever…and they did. Just not in the way I expected.

Finding out my extremely gorgeous rock star boyfriend was about to propose had the complete opposite effect I thought it would. Rather than catapult me into a future I’ve always wanted, it plunged me back to a past I tried to forget.

Now I can’t get him out of my head. I can’t help but wonder what could have been, how our lives would have ended up if he didn’t leave me behind, a shattered mess.

All these memories are dangerous. They’re bringing my past back to ruin my future. And worst of all, they’re taking me right back to him, my childhood sweetheart, my first love…my biggest regret.

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26^th May 2007

I just kissed Joe.
I don’t even know how to describe it, it was utterly the best moment of my life. All of my dreams couldn’t even begin to imagine how good it was going to be. I can’t even believe that I’m writing this...after all the heartache, all the wondering, it’s finally happened and now we can actually be together.
This is the best thing ever!

That account of the evening was so glaring false, I couldn’t actually believe that I’d written it. I felt like I must have been so desperate for things to be perfect that I even lied to myself about it. But then, as the night drifted on I mustn’t have been able to sleep, because I wrote more in scruffy, 2 AM style writing.

It was weird, really strange. It wasn’t quite what I thought it was going to be, and I’m scared about that. Did I just build it up too much in my mind, that it was never going to be as good as I expected...or does that mean something else? I don’t really want to admit it, but I’m scared. I’m afraid that it means we aren’t meant to be—after all, that’s the dream that has kept me going for so damn long now—and I’m also frightened that Joe racing off like that means something.
He has kissed lots of people, not like me, so maybe that means it was rubbish for him.
Oh God, I can’t even handle the thought that I might have screwed things up by sucking at kissing, what would that mean for me? I was so wrapped up in my fear and confusion of the moment that I didn’t really concentrate...that might have been my downfall.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I feel like all of this has made my feelings worse. I feel like now that Joe has given me something back, that he has given me that glimmer of hope, my obsession with him is even worse. I can’t think so much that I really cannot sleep. What will I do if he turns me down? How will I even get through the rest of school? It’ll be humiliating, absolutely gutting. I might just die.
Maybe I can ask mum to let me move schools, maybe that will be the best thing for me. For us both. I mean, I’ll still have to see him at home and stuff, but it wouldn’t be the same...