Embarrassing Zombies (and How to Avoid Becoming One)
By Nerys Wheatley
The zombie apocalypse has begun. This will be a defining moment in human history, separating the men from the boys, and, presumably, the women from the girls. Or the men from the women. Whatever, only the strong and resourceful will survive. The human race will emerge as a new entity, refined until it has reached the pinnacle of physical and mental potency.
Which means, obviously, that you and I aren’t going to make it. Admit it, you know it’s true.
So knowing you are days, possibly hours, from joining the ranks of the undead, what should you do? Say goodbye to your loved ones? Spend the time weeping uncontrollably and lamenting the waste of a promising life cut short? Eat every cheesecake you can get your hands on because, let’s face it, those few extra pounds aren’t going to matter now?
Okay, maybe the cheesecake.
But what you really need to do is consider what kind of life zombie you is going to end up with. The sad fact is there are plenty of ways you can humiliate yourself once locked in your endless search for raw flesh to munch. So for the sake of your future dignity, here are seven tips to make your time as a zombie just a little bit less embarrassing.
1 Don’t get turned in a shopping mall. There are so many reasons for this, not least of which is malls are the natural habitat of the teenager. They will find some way to humiliate you while using you for target practice and it won’t be pretty. Oh, and if you’re a man trapped in a women’s clothing store? Think of the embarrassment you feel waiting for your significant other while she’s in the changing rooms now, and times it by a thousand.
2 Avoid anywhere there are wild, carnivorous animals, especially the zoo. It’s one thing to end your existence in style with a crossbow bolt to the brain. It’s entirely another to be Simba’s chew toy for the next six months.
3 Don’t use curlers to style your hair. I know, you would think that, what with it being a life or death situation and all, perfect hair wouldn’t be a priority. But just in case you are trying to leave a good looking mobile corpse, do not use curlers. Because – a zombie with curlers in its hair. Think about it. Do you really want your future killer to have to take two shots instead of one to put you down because he’s laughing so hard?
4 Do not wear a Walking Dead t-shirt. Yes, it may seem cleverly ironic at the time, but really you’re just saying, “I watched six seasons of a TV show about surviving a zombie apocalypse and still got bitten on the first day.” Your inept failure will be right there for all to see. Forever.
5 Don’t turn in a swimming pool or hot tub. A relaxing spell in the pool may seem like just the thing to calm you down during the collapse of civilisation as we know it, but floater zombies are the zombies all other zombies look at with disgust. There’s pretty much no lower you can sink. Excuse the pun.
6 Men – wear jeans that fit. Those three sizes too big ones you think are oh-so-cool now? Not so cool when you can’t hoist them up anymore and you have jeans sagging around your ankles for the next ten years. Even the other zombies are going to be laughing at you.
7 The final one is more a social faux pas, but is nevertheless important enough to mention. If you have a family, stay away from them. Even in undead circles, it’s regarded as bad form to eat your own children. You don’t want to be that zombie.
These seven tips are by no means exhaustive. Add to them. Make a list and keep it where you can find it easily. Read it over and over until you have it memorised.
You may be going down, but at least you can do it with head held high and dignity intact. More or less.
Nerys Wheatley was born in the UK and grew up in the decade of shoulder pads and big hair. She writes fast moving, action packed horror and science fiction with strong characters and a sense of humour. When she isn’t writing, she likes to read, go for walks, read, watch TV shows about spaceships and/or zombies, play the piano, and sometimes she does a little reading.
The first two books in her zombie action series “Twenty-Five Percent” are available now.