I’m guessing most of you have at one point in time, had a discussion with friends or colleagues about the zombie apocalypse. Maybe even at one point, when you got the vibe that perhaps these people are as keen on the undead as you, that you’ve even asked the question. THAT one…
‘What’s your plan then?’
And watched as every single face drops, as if they’ve just seen a picture of themselves naked being posted on social media. Bouts of nervous laughter tend to then run around the group, ‘Good one,’ they say, usually whilst wiping tears from the corner of their eyes, ‘why do you?’
You’ve got two options at this point, one is pretend it’s all a big joke, put on your best pretend laugh and take a deep, deep swig of beer and hope that you’re not sweating or going red. The second, or as I call it, the ‘balls to the floor’ approach, is to tell them. You don’t just give them a hint of what you have in mind, you go full on.
Now I’m not saying that for one moment you have to give away your ‘A’ site, that’s madness! But it’s good to sketch out the advantages of consulting a map with proper topographic detail on it. Point out natural advantages and hindrances, points of interest, get them to think about the distance from any semblance of habitation.
Then before you know it, you’re chatting about supplies, bug out bags, survival tips and tricks, your theories on the zombies you could face, the moral dilemmas that you’re going to be overloaded with. At some point someone is going to ask what weapons to use. They are a bit more serious than the others, a number of the group will have turned their backs on you and gone back to talking about Bob at work, and their theory on why he perpetually smells of onions.
In the UK, firearms are illegal, unless you’re in the military or a farmer, so you gotta broach the subject a bit carefully. There are more than enough items you can have which are dual purpose, best to mention the axe in the downstairs cupboard in a jokey manner though, no one wants the image of you outside their front windows, waving an axe and wearing a mask made from the flesh of their neighbours.
The people that are left after you get through that fun little section are the ones that will go home that evening and look at their house in a different way. They’ll likely go rummaging through their toolbox, feeling the weight of the hammer, or practising jabbing with a Phillips head screwdriver. Some will even fire up Google maps and start to have a bit of a nose around the Lake District, or if they’ve got their head on properly, the mountainous parts of Wales and Scotland.
If you choose option two, and I’m sure a lot of you will, feel good with yourself that when you go home that night, because as mad as it is, whether it’s zombies, kaiju or the fall of western society, you’ve opened up someone’s eyes to a bigger world out there.
And probably scared the crap out of a few more.
Duncan lives in the south-west of the UK, with his wife Debbie, and their two cats, Rafa and Pepe. Using the felines as hunters, they locate, trap and eat slow moving mammals and insects. They share the spoils via a game of rock, paper, scissors. When he isn’t writing bios, Duncan scribbles down his vision of the zombie apocalypse.