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Prologue
A boiling hot, bitter-tasting rage bubbled in my stomach. My throat burned, my lips tingled, my intestines coiled painfully around my lungs squeezing all the air out of them as my mind tumbled back over everything that just happened.How did I let things get so bad?
All I wanted to do was scream and shout, to let out some of the frustration that had me breathless, but I didn’t have the energy. I felt emotionally drained, like I didn’t have anything left to offer the world. It took everything that I had just to keep on going. Even that had my eyelids dangerously heavy.
I pulled the car to a halt at the traffic lights and I tapped my fingers noisily against the steering wheel while I waited impatiently. My brain darted everywhere, even if I wanted to contain my thoughts I couldn’t, the anger was simply too powerful. It rolled through me in waves, swallowing up all my organs in the process.
I couldn’t work out exactly what I’d done to lead myself down such a terrible path, I wished desperately that I could pinpoint the moment so I could unravel it all to try again, but it was clear. What I really needed was a fresh start...
Then, three things happened all at once: my mobile phone blasted out its obnoxious ringtone, the light flickered onto green, and as my foot slammed down onto the accelerator there was a deep bright flash that appeared to come from nowhere.
What the...?
I couldn’t resist turning my head to find out what the seemingly inhuman glow indicated, but before my neck could make one full spin a shocking sensation slammed into my right-hand side.
The noise came after. The deafening crush exploded my eardrums ensuring that I’d never hear anything ever again. As my brain shattered I felt oddly calm. The emotions seeped from me, leaving me with nothing but numbness. It was the end and weirdly I just didn’t care. It felt good to have nothing left to worry about.
I suppose, in a dark and twisted way, it solved all of my problems.
The pain was ice cold, then burning, then it felt like my entire body was on fire as I cascaded through the car, bumping into parts of it that I’d never touched before. My ragdoll body flopped like it had no bones within it, and soon I figured it probably wouldn’t.
I wasn’t sure where I landed, but the moment I stopped moving the world became a pinhole. A circle filled my vision and it grew smaller and smaller as a deep blackness came for me.
Within that darkness, there was only one face. Dark, curly hair, deep hazel eyes, an olive-coloured skin that was so soft I desperately wanted to reach out and touch it. The only person who ever made me happy, and now I’d never get to see him again
I’m sorry, Scott, I’ll miss you.
I’ve always loved only you.
2010
One
Oh, my goodness.My heart stopped dead in my chest as I spotted him across the sticky, slightly smelly student union bar on my first ever night out in this strange new world. I wasn’t sure what it was exactly, but something gave me the sense that he was important. The words ‘he’s different’ actually went through my mind the moment I clocked him. I felt something powerful shift within me as if life would never be the same again.
How little I knew.
He wasn’t even looking at me then, he was laughing at something one of his friends had said to him while running his fingers through that lovely, curly hair of his, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t seem to drag my eyes away however hard I tried. The powerful magnet was already there between us, and there must’ve been a part of me that could already sense that. Somewhere very deep down inside of me.
“Carlie? Are you listening to me?”
All of a sudden I was jolted from my transfixed state by my brand new friend, Natalie, shaking me. I twisted my neck quickly to focus on her instead, I needed her to like me if we were going to live together for the next three years, so I didn’t particularly want to start off on the wrong foot. I’d left all my old friends back home yesterday, so I really had to make some new ones if I wanted to survive uni life.
“Oh, sorry, it’s erm...quite loud in here.” My cheeks blushed as the lie fell out of my lips. I just didn’t know this girl well enough yet to tell her that I’d seen a guy I liked. “What did you say?”
She flipped her long, blonde hair over her shoulder and pressed a defiant hand on her hip. For an eighteen-year-old, she sure had a lot of confidence, unlike anyone I’d ever met before. I hoped during our time together some of that would rub off on me.
“I said would you like another drink? This one’s nearly done.” She slurped the rest of her bright blue alcopop—through a straw so none of it would get on her teeth—and nodded in the direction of the big, balling crowd.
I couldn’t resist, I shot one last, lingering look to where the gorgeous boy had been only moments before, just to see a huge, empty space. No point in sticking around then. “Yeah, come on. I’ll buy this one.”
I would’ve politely waited at the back of the queue until it was my turn, but as it turned out Natalie had other ideas. She ducked, she shoved, she darted until she got as near to the front as she could manage, all with me in tow.
“I can’t believe you managed that.” I giggled feeling a little light-headed and hysterical. It might not have been much, but I never did anything wrong...and it felt unexpectedly exhilarating. “That was crazy.”
“Oh well, I hate waiting.” Natalie shrugged in a blasé manner, as if she shouldn’t ever be expected to queue for anything. “And almost everyone is drunk already, so none of them really noticed us.”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”
As I stood at my parent’s car this morning, waving them off with promises that I’d look after myself and call them all the time, anxiety consumed most of me. As far as I was concerned, my English course was only a small part of what university would offer me, and it was the part I was least afraid of. Putting myself out there, meeting new people, experiencing new walks of life...for a small town girl, I couldn’t stop being scared.
But with Natalie by my side, guiding me through it I felt certain that it’d be okay.
“Oof,” I cried out loudly as someone slammed into my back. Unfortunately, that one action caused a domino effect and I bumped into the person in front of me as well. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...”
“My fault,” a smooth male voice called out from behind me. I felt the heat of another person covering me, as whoever it was leaned across me as if the words ‘personal space’ meant nothing at all. I stiffened, the panic came flooding back. “My idiot friend pushed me, being stupid, and I fell.”
“You’re all idiots,” Natalie half-yelled. “What the hell are you playing at?”
I could feel an argument brewing around me, it was like a storm cloud was forming above my head and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. Not that I was trying, something had me distracted. Just a couple of inches to the left I could feel an intense sizzling heat coming off of him. Despite all the odds being stacked against us, even though there were hundreds of people in that bar, fate had intervened and I was standing next to the guy who made me feel things I didn’t even know where possible. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew it was him before I even turned.
This time, he looked right back at me.
His hazel eyes bore into my soul, twisting my stomach up in knots. My heart darted and danced all over my chest and I could hear my breaths coming out ragged. I probably looked like an insane person. I had no doubt that this wonderful, beautiful, perfect boy thought I was mental, but I couldn’t seem to reel myself in. With him that close to me, I couldn’t stop myself from falling apart.
“Are you okay?” he asked me in a voice so chocolatey and sweet I became a puddle at his feet. “Are you hurt?”
“I...I...” What the hell was wrong with me? I’d heard the expression ‘tongue tied’ before but I hadn’t ever felt it. I couldn’t seem to get my mouth to work in the way that it normally did.
Okay, so I wasn’t great with guys, I didn’t have the best track record ever, but this had to be the worst introduction of all time. There were so many things that I wanted to say, so many ways that I wanted to be reinvented as the ‘cool girl’, but it seemed that I’d never be able to shake off scared, insecure, mousy Carlie Jaymeson however hard I tried.
“I think you need a drink.” He smiled down at me, making me feel more petite than I actually was. “I mean, that’s why you’re at the bar, right?”
Somehow, as he tossed his head back and he laughed with pure mirth at his own non-joke, I felt my tongue loosen. “Well, I wouldn’t stand in this pointless queue for nothing,” I managed to reply with a surprising bit of spark.
“Let me sort that for you.”
I wanted to scream with joy as he sorted me out my drink. That was amazing, wasn’t it? A gorgeous guy had offered to buy me a drink. There were lots of girls here but he chose me. I wasn't quite sure what that meant, but I felt certain it was a good thing. I could just see the story unfolding now; me, meeting the love of my life and the father of my children on my first night at university. I wasn’t usually a big romantic, and I certainly wasn’t in any hurry to get hitched and pop out a couple of sprogs, but there was something about this one...
He was different.
“The name’s Scott, by the way.” He gave me the most adorable cheeky grin as he handed me my drink, showing me the most amazing set of dimples that I’d ever seen. “Scott Albert.”
“Hmm,” I pursed my lips as I teased him playfully. “My mum always warned me never to trust a boy with two first names.”
"Well mine always told me to stay away from girls with eyes that match the sky, but here I am, talking to you.”
That was flirting...wasn’t it? It felt like a flirty comment and it made my pulse rate kick up another notch. I could barely manage a smile in return because I felt so many things all at once from that one silly remark. My eyes had never been complimented before, and it felt awesome.
“Well, I’m Carlie Jaymeson...make of that what you will.”
I stared at him, defying him to mock me. The look I got back sent a powerful shiver racing up and down my spine. It was a sensation that I wanted to cling onto forever.
“Come on,” he finally replied, ignoring my challenge completely. “Let’s go and play some pool.”
I gently touched Natalie's arm and told her what I was up to, but in all honesty, she didn't seem too bothered now. Her argument had turned into a heated debate which seemed to have an undertone of sexual frustration. She seemed to be just fine.
“So, is your friend always so...shouty?” he asked me with that wonderful grin as he set the balls up in the triangle on the pool table. “If so, she’s going to get you in lots of trouble.”
“Well, if I’m honest, I only met her a few hours ago so I don’t really know.” I felt a swell of loyalty towards Natalie, it started off with her standing up for me. I certainly had no intention of trash-talking her right now. “But I’m sure she’ll be just as much fun as she is trouble.”
“Ah, so you’re a first year.” He said that with a tone of superiority which crushed me somewhat. I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t want him to be older than me. I wanted to surround myself with people who were going through this life-changing experience at the same pace as me. It was irrational, but I couldn’t help my emotions. “Good, because so am I.” He gave me a smirk as if we were sharing a secret. “But I don’t know if I like the guys I’m living with yet. They’re just so different to me.”
“That’s why we’re here, isn’t it? To meet people unlike ourselves.” I sounded surprisingly wise, which I liked. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
“And if I don’t, I’ll always have you.”
My heart leapt with joy, instantly a tight bond knotted around us. With those few sweet words he claimed me, and I really wanted to be claimed by Scott. I wanted to cling onto him and never let him go.
"You're doing drama as well, aren't you?" he chanced. For a spilt-second, I actually felt sad that I didn't harbour a deep dream to star in movies...even though that would never be me.
“I’m afraid not, I’ve never been good at acting, or singing, or dancing. It’s English for me. The written word is about all that I’m good for.”
"So, you're the one I come to when I'm crying over every single essay. Good to know.”
I had no idea how it was going to pan out, I didn’t know if this would be just a fleeting meeting never to be repeated, or if we’d form something long lasting but I really wanted it to be the latter. He warmed me up, he made me feel special, I wanted to keep that heady, spinning head all the time.
"Yep, I think so. I mean, I might not be able to help you with your work but I'll always have tea bags if that helps."
A fire lit in my belly as he gave me a look, it felt like something was about to happen. I breathed so deeply I could feel my chest rising and falling rapidly.
“I’ll have to walk you back to your room tonight, so I know where it is. Any girl that knows how to make a good cuppa is one that I need to keep around.”
“Yes.” Walk me to my room, what did that mean? “Of course. Wouldn’t want to leave you caffeine free now, would we?”
And from that moment on, Carlie and Scott were born.
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